Be the Wood

It's been just over eight months

since my mom passed,

and 2 and a 1/2 weeks

since Marlow

has been diagnosed

with Lung Cancer.

I surrender.

I've stopped trying to control things.

Stopped making plans.

Now, rather I am a vessel of God.

Not in the scary bible beating,

alt-right,

don't kill your baby

kind of way.

Pliable.

Like a palm tree.

I've read their root structure is so deep that when the storms come,

their grounding is what allows them to

bend-

not break.

I look inside to surrender,

and become molded

into what the great carpenter sees.

I like wood.

I've never been religious.

For a short period when I was sixteen,

I wanted to go to church.

Maybe I wanted to see what was so special,

what had people up on their feet,

dancing.

I want to see whats real.

Perhaps I had a touch of

FOMO.

Either way,

I shared my inquisitory nature with my parents,

and they were

supportive.

Bottom line,

I never followed thru.

But now-

all of a sudden-

I've decided to be molded in the vision of the GOD??

To live a life in the way "HE" sees fit.

I don't even know how thought popped into my head.

Weird (for me)

But ok.

I was driving past the Beverly Center,

and there it was,

Crystal Clear.

Who knows why we think the things we do.

The other night I dreamt

Mike stripped my shrimp tempura

of all the outside fried parts

and fingered all the goods.

Leaving 2 remaining piles,

a greasy dismissal heap,

and a clear tail of carcass.

I was pissed.

Sometimes that's just it.

Brains do what they want,

so, I focus on what I can.

Still,

in light,

of my mothers death.

I want,

to be pissed.

I threaten,

I hate all people,

(most) people

but the truth is-

my secret

-to the core,

I've always tried,

to focus

on the positive.

There was a time,

I thought,

perhaps,

it was all for her,

what she needed,

from me.

A good,

Upbeat,

Dutiful,

Daughter.

Hell,

maybe

there is a nugget

of truth in that too.

But it is important,

for me to recognize-

the essence

of all things present

has an energy-

therefor-(of course)

it makes sense to

channel the goods.

This hasn't always been the case.

We are humans.

Most likely derived from apes.

(Not looking to dive into a chat room fight of the origin of man here),

point being-

I forget.

I get stuck.

My innerds fight for me recognizing my lack of movement.

Like a classic game of Galactica,

where I just cant get to the

next level.

I know

where the opposition is coming from,

I know

the timing.

I'm

just off.

Maybe my joystick is stuck,

Maybe I blink.

So I don't advance.

Maybe

I change games.

I enter different initials

refusing to acknowledge my losses,

Maybe I just turn it all off

and walk away.

Being afraid

of leaping,

into the unknown

is stifling to me.

I feel it quake my heart,

and I do nothing.

Be it for money,

or love

or security.

Who can know for sure.

There are moments

we as humans,

become locked,

into the perpetual twist,

and bound

by responsibilities.

Shackled.

The result?

Muddy waters.

Not even the band.

I could be on board with that.

Failing to recognize

this...

is where the lotus grows.

In recent years,

I prodded along,

miserable.

Refusing to shift.

Until the World did it for me.

Evolution through Crisis.

Feather,

Pebble,

Boulder.

I got the boulder.

And I didn't like it.

And there was nothing,

I could've done about it.

And I'm afraid to admit

that losing

My Mother

was the Freedom I needed.

I hate that I was to afraid,

to do it on my own.

What a key I have been given.

I am at a loss.

So I'm letting the big "Man"

"Woman"

"Spirit"

"Light"

widdle away.

I would give anything to

have another opportunity,

to simply paint the door

with the beautiful,

strong,

vulnerable,

unique,

Spirit

that I call "Momma".

Dear God,

Take this tiny piece,

of warped

ocean drift wood,

that I have become,

and refurbish me

in the way,

you see fit.

Because my way,

is done.