Digging in the Dirt

Change is inevitable,

Deciding how to navigate the uncertainty of it all-

Is a choice.

June 4, 2018 my world was rocked.

It will never be the same.

Where do I go from here?

What do i do?

How do I remember?

Who do I want to become?

Why...

I was on a vacation recently when a little girl asked me what do I do...

For work specifically,

What is my job?

I had no answer for her.

I responded with something vague-like

My job is to find joy,

to live in Peace.

She looked at me perplexed, prompting for specifics...

"But what do you do? Like my mom is a nurse, my dad is a...

And what do you do...?"

My love aptly jumped in to assist...

"She digs in the dirt"

Which is true.

A great majority of my time is spent in my community garden,

Curring my soil.

Pruning my Sungold tomatoes,

Guiding growth thru the newly repurposed trellis.

I am tending my garden.

How do I explain that to the little girl,

whose world is comprised of a skewed vision,

learned attempt to compartmentalize-

...how I pay my bills.

My world has become so much bigger,

brighter,

than my current state of what I do for a living.

It is true.

Perhaps I was a little ashamed to share,

I am a down graded chauffeur...

with a college degree,

Driving for lyft.

To me this means

I can actually wear my pajamas to work,

if I want to.

I'm no longer in college anymore...

so I don't.

But I could-

If I so choose.

I pay my bills.

And yet my job does not define me.

In that...

I find myself in new territory.

Whose box do I fit in to?

I have changed,

released the ankle bracelet,

and I am now set free.

On vacation, my love asks me what I want.

He's a good gift giver.

Nothing I replied.

"I don't want more things."

To bring home,

to a place we have not yet cleared since we together moved in.

A T-shirt, that I will stain-

A trinket that collects dust,

A hat I only have one head for-

A cup, where my shelves are already full.

My piles have reached their tipping point.

I have more than enough

With no space for stuff-

It is time to clear that which holds me down.

My outside world is shifting.

It began on that day just over a year ago.

What do I want my landscape to look like?

Where do I choose to go?

What is the reflection of the inner seismic shift?

An earthquake.

The Big One.

Only I can plot the course.

In order for me to navigate my journey,

daily practices change.

The loop which I was caught in,

wobbles now anew.

I decide where I am going.

I decide my trajectory.

Facebook off.

Instagram silenced.

My time kills-

Released.

Where do I spend my moments?

Who do I surround myself with?

Even the slightest.

I begin to work out.

I track my consumption.

How do I feed my body?

My soul.

My world is getting small, smaller, smallest,

yet-

it is now so incredibly big.

Breaking free from the quantifiable consumption,

no longer a passenger

a little girl tucked into the maze.

---

A notebook of my mothers dated 7/6/14

---

I am a writer.

Coming out is hard.

Not only alternate lifestyle people

do it. To come round to your true

self each of us must do it.

I have been a closet writer for a

long time. It is the only "work"

I like to do. Because in doing so

I am directly myself no filters.

Just a being to expressing by

observing, sifting, noticing and

**The above was written on the first page of a found notebook of my Mothers.

After the third page this book remained empty, untouched.**

---

Do I get paid for this life I choose to live???

Absolutely.